A boundary is about you managing yourself and your own behavior.
It’s never about trying to control some else’s behavior.
Let’s get clear on on boundaries.
It’s what you what you will do or won’t do when someone is in violation of your boundary.
It’s not what they need or have to do.
Remember this distinction, if someone violates your physical, emotional or psychological space, it is what YOU will do in response to their behavior.
Other people are free to behave however they wish. You have no control over their behavior.
Therefore, it is 100% your responsibility to care for yourself.
Why create a boundary?
- To protect and honor your own physical, and mental space.
- To respect your deepest values and beliefs and to meet your needs for feeling safe and secure.
- To clarify what is acceptable and what isn’t, by our own standards.
- To establish clearly defined consequences if a boundary is violated.
Many times you may want to use a boundary if someone doesn’t do what you want. This is usually more of a Manual issue.
You are always free to share your preferences, wishes or desires with someone.
With all your heart you may want them to comply. And you may be sorely disappointed if they don’t.
But if someone has not crossed over or in some way violated your physical, psychological or emotional space, there is no need for a boundary and its ensuing consequence.
Determine your boundary and the consequences of a boundary violation
- Do the thought work necessary to come from a place of allowing the person to behave as they choose.
- It’s important to be honest with yourself about what you do and don’t want in your life.
- Decide what action you will take in response to them engaging in the behavior.
- Do not expect them to modify or change their behavior in any way. This is not the point of creating a boundary.
Just saying “no” by itself does not create a boundary but it’s a first step
- Often saying “no” is a first step in taking back your control of any situation.
- You can always say no, without an explanation.
- You don’t have to get angry or defensive.
- Just allow people to be who they are and you be who are.
Express your boundary
- When you don’t express your boundaries clearly to yourself and others, you will continue to marinate in a brew of frustration and resentment.
- You might think, “I shouldn’t have to tell them that.” “How rude, careless, thoughtless…”
- The truth is, they might not realize they have crossed a boundary because you never communicated your expectations.
- It’s always your responsibility to clearly explain your boundaries and what YOU will do if they’re violated.
- Until you share your boundary rules and follow through on your behavior, nothing has the potential to change.
- Once you do, a new, honest, respectful relationship has the chance to develop.
Follow through with action
The most common reason people resist setting boundaries is because they’re afraid of following through on the consequences. Idle threats are actually damaging to the process and can set it back.
- When you don’t follow through on a boundary request, you undermine your own self-respect and theirs for you.
- If you think someone is “walking all over you,” it’s because of what you allow and what you make that mean.
- Your behavior teaches others how to treat you.
- You can’t control anyone else’s behavior. Just let them be themselves.
So, follow through on the action you decided to take. It strengthens your credibility. And it can open the door for change.
Do you need to establish a boundary and a consequence in your life?
Is there a certain issue or challenge that’s driving you crazy?
Let’s unpack your situation. Reach out to me here for your free Strategy Call.
You can click the red box in the right hand column to tell me what’s on your mind.