In the starry-eyed days of infatuation and courtship, it’s so easy to believe that you were made for each other.
Against all the odds in this vast and confusing world of dating apps and fix-ups, you’d finally found your ideal partner.
Your every thought was one of admiration, respect, gratitude and appreciation for your beloved.
In the early stages of romantic attachment, when your brain is primed to think thoughts of love and gratitude, you were all in.
Even the idea that the irritants, annoyances and teeny, tiny faults could ever wreck your view of your idyllic union, seemed ridiculous.
You might have even let the idea of “soulmates” take up residence in your mind.
The relationship happiness that had previously eluded you was finally within your grasp, entirely possible to realize.
Did you ever consider how well BOTH of your wants were aligned?
Want Matches makes it so much easier to love your partner.
In any relationship, a Want Match occurs when you feel that all the things you wanted most in the relationship are matched to all the things you’re getting out of the relationship. And that applies to each of you.
Well, who doesn’t want that!
Ideally, when two people find each other, they come together as completely independent adults. They know how to take responsibility for their own emotional lives, their thoughts, actions and their own needs.
Yet, for many of us that’s not quite the way it happens.
Often you enter into a new relationship feeling that something is missing in your life. You think you’d be happier if only you’d meet the right person who could truly and unselfishly understand you and prioritize your needs and happiness.
Oh yes, that would certainly solve the problem of feeling lonely, unmoored or “not enough” on your own.
But, when you enter into a relationship where you expect the other person to make you happy, to bring you happiness, to meet your needs, that’s more than a little problematic.
Your relationship satisfaction becomes based your interpretations and judgements as to how well he meets your needs.
And as time passes, your assessment often leads to disappointment.
Can one person meet all your wants and needs?
Our primitive brains were designed for social connection.
Our ancestors knew that maintaining status, standing and inclusion in the tribe was necessary for survival.
Our brains are still wired to give us positive feedback when we develop and sustain social relationships.
But in our modern world, we no longer live in tribes. We have shifted all of our complex array of wants and needs, which extend way beyond survival, from the many to THE ONE.
When you expect that it’s this lucky ONE person’s job to meet your most pressing needs, you’re in for a bumpy ride.
Just for fun, make a list of all the needs and wants that you expect your husband to fulfill.
Just to get your brain in gear, here are a few suggestions to consider:
- Best friend
- Sex partner
- Attentive conversationalist
- Humorist
- Gourmet cook
- Family man
- Work out buddy
- Travel companion
- Financial wizard
- World class snuggler
- Gardener
- Handyman
- Back Rubber in Chief
- Stylish dresser
- Well groomed, as in hair, finger and toe nails
- Date night planner
- Flower bringer, just because
- Birthday and anniversary celebrator
- Movie and theater lover
- Sports fan
You get the idea.
You’re looking toward one human being to fulfill A LOT of needs.
How, by any calculation, does that make any sense?
Placing all your needs on just one person overburdens ANY relationship.
Having unrealistic expectations of what’s possible hurts relationships.
There is no perfect partner. Allow me the liberty to repeat: There is no perfect partner.
There is, however, the possibility of living a happy life with your husband.
Decide to focus on the Want Matches you DO have and leave the other wants and needs out of your marriage.
That does not mean to ignore them, disavow them or change them.
Seek out other people and activities to satisfy your other wants and needs.
How about spreading those needs, wants and desires out to your family members and friends? How about including acquaintances, mentors, colleagues, or coach in the mix?
Then there’s not so much pressure on your husband and marriage to be delivering ALL the things.
You can decide that it’s perfectly fine, natural and normal for your romantic relationship to “specialize” in fulfilling those needs that are clearly evidence of a Want Match.
And you can decide that it’s perfectly fine, natural and normal to fulfill many of your other needs, those that aren’t a Want Match with your husband outside your marriage.
No where is it written that your husband must satisfy everything you want, need and desire for you to have a happy marriage.
When you take the pressure off your husband to be the be all and end all in your life, what a relief for both of you.
Appreciate the areas in your marriage where you are already a Want Match.
Take some time to explore the ways in which you two are already a Want Match.
Identify where do you agree and share compatible values, expectations and needs.
In what areas of your marriage is it easy to be a loving, generous and supportive partner?
Think about where the Want Matches already exist in these areas of your life:
- Love & Romance
- Finances
- Sex
- Family
- Home Life
- Recreation
- Travel
- Work
When you focus on the compatibility of your Want Matches, it’s so much easier to feel love and appreciation for your partner and your relationship.
Train your focus on appreciating your existing Want Matches in your marriage and then let go of the rest.
Besides the obvious ones, can you think of more Want Matches that you can make stronger by intentionally nurturing them?
Then get busy finding other people and activities in your life meet the rest of your needs.
What if your only requirement of your husband was to be there for you to love him?
What if you became proficient at meeting your needs and, therefore, became the creator of your own happiness?
What if you revoked the power to make you happy from your husband’s To Do list?
What if you reclaimed your power to create whatever feelings you wanted to experience in your life?
Think about it. What if he was only responsibility in the relationship was to be there for you to love?
What if discovering your Want Matches and offering unconditional love was the answer to so many of your frustrations and struggles?
Learn more about how to identify and appreciate the Want Matches in your marriage.
Learn more about how to reclaim your power to make yourself happy right here.
I’m ready to help you!
