Things happen. Sh*t hits the fan. Big time.
We don’t like it. Not one bit.
Sometimes those “things” are of your own making, sometimes they’re foisted upon you by others.
It can seem like from out of nowhere bad news lands with a heavy thud. Irritation, frustration and anger erupt.
At other times, you’re half expecting the other shoe to drop, and drop it does. But it lands more like a boulder.
What a knockout.
And then there are times when you’re well aware that the “thing” is on it’s way.
Looming in the distance, you can see it bearing down on you like a freight train roaring down the tracks. The headlight grows ever closer and there’s not one damn thing you can do about it.
Kaboom! The crash is explosive, pulverizing your soul.
Your brain on emotional pain.
Your amygdala, that primitive survival-no-matter-what part of your brain, is programmed for rapid response to any perceived “threat.” In service of saving your life, your nervous system reacts to cascading hormones readying your body to flee, fight or freeze.
It’s sole mission is to keep you alive, no matter what.
Your primitive brain over-rules your prefrontal cortex and calls the shots. No time for careful, deliberate thinking. Fast action is required.
Your mind races with thoughts and questions like these, aunching the argument with reality:
- Why me?
- Why now?
- It’s not fair.
- How could this have happened?
- This shouldn’t be happening.
- This is what should have happened.
- What a mess
- This is awful.
- I never asked for this.
- What went wrong?
- Can’t I ever catch a break?
- I don’t deserve this.
- When will it be my turn?
- Why do I have to put up with this?
Arguing with reality compounds pain by adding a stifling layer of suffering.
Dwelling on all the what ifs, shoulds and shouldn’ts is a fast track toward unnecessary suffering.
Byron Katie, a thought influencer who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as “The Work” explains, “When we argue with reality, we lose 100% of the time.”
When you argue with reality, you are fighting a losing battle.
When you try to deny, push away, or refuse to accept the truth of what is, you amplify and increase your pain unnecessarily.
Suffering takes up residence along side the pain and we sink ever deeper in despair.
What is can’t be undone.
As much as you may wish it weren’t so, periods of emotional pain are an inescapable part of life.
Learning to accommodate them and live in proximity to them is part of being humans.
The harder you try to push away what is, the more resistance you create to your reality. The greater the resistance, the greater the pain, fear, frustration, and, of course, the suffering.
Your only option is to move forward from this new starting point.
Learn to differentiate clean pain from dirty pain.
Clean pain results from allowing and accepting painful emotions.
Dirty pain comes from resisting them and then adding layers of negative thoughts about the original pain. It’s this additional layer of negative thinking which adds the unnecessary suffering.
Clean pain is the kind of pain you want to feel. Choose to feel.
You allow yourself to feel it because it’s an integral part the full range of our human experience.
Allowing clean pain is is the only path through the discomfort and restlessness of grief, loss, sadness, or even the ache of nostalgia for what once was.
Clean pain, as difficult as it feels when you’re experiencing it, ebbs and flows until it eventually subsides.
Dirty pain, on the other hand, traps you in a downward spiral.
The harder you try to push away what is, the more resistance you create to your reality. The greater the resistance, the greater the pain, fear, frustration, and, of course, the suffering.
Ruminations, accusations, blame, denial and resistance to what is are exhausting.
Negative thoughts about yourself, someone else or the circumstances of your life make everything so much worse.
Allowing clean pain eventually heals.
The day will come when you recognize you’ve survived.
You’re still standing.
You may, at times, still feel raw and vulnerable, but you are not weighed down by suffering.
Experiencing the full range of human emotions provides the necessary contrasts in life.
They allow us to truly appreciate and revel in the positive emotions.
Oh how sweet it is when we get to experience the love, the freedom, the joy, the warmth, the excitement of life.
They are made that much more bright and vivid because we’ve also known the darkness and fog of pain.
Here’s how to live with a new reality you never wanted nor would have chosen for yourself.
Allow all your thoughts and feelings about what is without judging them or yourself.
It’s the judgemental, critical, harsh voice in your head spewing relentless attacks that adds suffering to the original pain.
Become the watcher of your thoughts and feelings. Let them wash over you like ocean waves.
Observe those thoughts with compassion and curiosity.
Allow them to sit by your side without struggling to banish them.
As the feelings surface, name them.
“I see you __________________________. ” (Fill in the blank with the feeling name. Perhaps it’s anxiety, frustration, fear, anger, resentment, rage.)
“Oh, this is the part where I get to feel ________________.” (Name the feeling.)
Allow it to be present.
Living with what is boils down to increasing awareness of your thoughts and feelings about it and allowing them without judging.
You get to decide if you want to keep those thoughts and feelings.
Once you are aware of them and allow them to be with compassion and curiosity, you gain greater control of what comes next.
You get to ask yourself if they allow you to move through the experience of clean pain.
If you recognize they are creating dirty pain, you can choose to release those thoughts and feelings that are causing your suffering.
I can teach you how.
When you are in pain, you never need to go it alone.
I’m here to help you differentiate the clean pain from the dirty pain.
I can help you work through the clean pain.
Dirty pain can keep you stuck in a never-ending argument with reality.
Letting go of the dirty pain is often more challenging, put it is absolutely possible.
Isn’t it time to set yourself free?
Reach out to me right here and let’s schedule a free Strategy Call to figure out your next best steps.
